Sad songs just make you sad

I'm back in Phoenix tonight recovering from a whirlwind tour of ... well, OK, we were pretty much in one place, but it feels like I've been everywhere and back again after going through a second memorial.

Before I get going on my primary issue, I want to list two other things that made me very sad tonight:

- Airport WiFi. It's free. Yay. I would've gladly paid for carrier pigeons because I think they could've moved more information faster.

- My parking fee. $75. Turns out I don't know everything about Sky Harbor like I thought I did. I almost choked on that one. That's, like, a round trip ticket to LA. Just to park my dirty PT cruiser.

Anyway, there's an important element to grieving I think everyone should know: Sad songs don't really help. In fact they sort of heighten the pain.

At least they do for me.

I didn't know this about me until now. I had the iPod all geared up for the flight out there, weighed down with all my best reflective, melancholy piano tunes for reasons I obviously hadn't thoroughly vetted for logic and sanity.

It was a stupid @#$%)(*#$%)(* idea.

I used to love Elton John's Skyline Pigeon. I would play it on my Walkman on the plane as I was leaving Alabama each time after a visit. I'd play it to recognize the great heartache in my heart knowing I wouldn't see my family again for a long time. That I would miss them.

Memorializing my wife? It's just bloody depressing. Didn't make it three chords into the song and I had shifted over to watching Lost Season 3. Anything to change the subject.

On the way to the memorial some friends had their iPod going in the car not even thinking about what was playing. The music was ... folksy and pleasant for the most part.

Then Stevie Nicks' Landslide comes on and I was ready to spear that #A$%()*&#$5 iPod and chuck it out in the middle of a Butte County rice field.

Sad songs are what they are. They are great at emoting feelings for people who have nothing to be sad about, and we can sit around and say to ourselves, "Man, he/she was going through a real rough spot when they wrote this song."

But they are not for people who are actually sad. Anyone who thinks otherwise, well, I can only assume you're psychotic and need professional help.

In truth, I haven't been able to listen to much music at all. What's appropriate? Jazz? Classical? 70s AOR? Worship music has been helpful to the extent that it's music with hope and it gets me back to the right frame of mind, but I have my limits before I just want some silence again.

People have asked me what was "your song," meaning what song did Jessica and I share a love for so we can include it in the memorial. I wanted to offer up a meaningful song by a meaningful artist, like Al Green or Bill Withers, something deep and soulful. But it wasn't the truth.

What songs do I associate with Jessica? Two of them really, and neither belonged in a somber memorial:

- Dance With Me by 112. This was Jessica's favorite song when we met. There's this bridge part that mimics "If You're Happy And You Know It," only it's changed to "If you're sexy and you know it clap your hands," and it had this syncopated hand clap thing that she taught me out in the middle of nowhere. Since she had the CD, I must've listened to this song (and clapped along to it) a dozen times in a weekend. So, you know, I know I'm sexy. I guess.

- The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. The day Jessica picked me up at the Sac Airport years ago, this song was playing on the radio. In fact, it seemed to be CONSTANTLY playing on the radio, All Jimmy Eat World, All the Time. Now, the first thing I remember about this song is obsessively telling Jess this band was from my home town, Mesa, every single time it came on. It irritated her, and I took some pleasure in irritating her. The second thing about it is I was compulsive in air drumming the snare/cymbal hits on the chorus -- so much so that Jessica picked it up about the third time through and we had our instant shared musical moment. We would both play air drums in the car be-bopping along at Warp 12 (she was driving!) and she would do her best to imitate my dorky "drum face." It should have been a SNL skit or something.

The good news is neither of these songs make me sad. In fact they make me happy, especially the Jimmy Eat World song. It's one of these pleasant suburban rocker tunes meant to lift the spirits of teenage girls, but it's a happy song nonetheless. I close this note with those wonderful, meaningful lyrics:

Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

[Chorus]
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright)

Hey,
You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, (on your own)
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough)
For someone else.

[Chorus x2]

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out, (feel left out)
Or looked down on.
Just do your best, (just do your best)
Do everything you can. (do everything you can)
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts (bitter hearts)
Are gonna say.

[Chorus x2]